Quotes by Grant M. Bright

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SHORT HUMOROUS QUOTES

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who think there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
- Robert Benchley

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
- Dan Quayle

Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer to the end you get, the faster it goes.

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
- Gallagher

'Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'
- Leslie Nielsen

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
- Scott Adams

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
- Kurt Vonnegut

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
- Richard Diran

The next time you doubt the capabilities of a woman, remember - Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
- Faith Whittlesey

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles M. Schulz

You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
- Arlo Guthrie

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
- Sir Winston Churchill

If it exists, it's possible.
- John P. Grier

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty.
- Cecil Baxter

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead

The most compelling argument for intelligent life in the universe is that none have tried to contact us.
- Calvin and Hobbes

Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.
- Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- John Benfield

Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often.

He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
- David Frost

Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm our worst suspicions about them.
- Franklin P. Adams

Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters.
- Margaret Halsey

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
- Dave Barry

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
- Burt Bacharach

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
- George Burns

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
- Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

My Karma ran over your dogma.

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.
- Yogi Berra

1. Never tell everything at once.
- Ken Venturi

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
- Voltaire

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
- Fred Allen

Lack of money is the root of all evil.
- George Bernard Shaw

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
- Robert Byrne

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.

We're not lost. We're locationally challenged.
- John M. Ford

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
- George F. Will

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
- Samuel Goldwyn

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
- John Adams

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.
- Calvin Trillin

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
- Dan Quayle

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
- Dick Clark

You've got to take the bitter with the sour.
- Samuel Goldwyn

Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.
- Albert Camus

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.
- King Edward VIII

2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
- Grabel's Law

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
- James Thurber

I have only one superstition - I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
- Babe Ruth

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
- Groucho Marx

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
- Brian Kiley

Kids are the penalty for having sex.
- Bill Maher

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
- Paul Fix

The time comes in every life when you feel like you are bowling from behind a curtain.

The only thing worse than beating a dead horse is betting on one.

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
- Lily Tomlin

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov

Where there's a will there's a way. Where there's a will there's also a relative.

The statistics on sanity report that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you!

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

Never eat more than you can lift.
- Miss Piggy

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

Marriage is grand. Divorce, 100 grand.

Now that I’m 70, I’ve been spending a lot of time contemplating the Hereafter. Whenever I go from one room to another, I stand in the middle of the floor for a while asking myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench is has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
- Jaeger

… and that's the world in a nutshell - - an appropriate receptacle.
- Stan Dunn

It is bad luck to be superstitious.
- Andrew W. Mathis

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
- George Carlin

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into a bouillon cube.
- John Le Carre

IRS Auditor: "The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money."

I used to be very hands-on, but lately I've been more hands-off and I plan to become more hands-on and less hands-off and hope that hands-on will become better than hands-off, the way hands-on used to be.
- George Steinbrenner, New York Yankees owner

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

I have decided to live forever, or die in the attempt.
- Hoseph Heller

If you stop to kick at every dog that barks at you - you'll never get very far.
- Tolstoi

I've learned that when a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience ends up with the money and the man who had the money ends up with the experience!
- 59 year-old quoted in Forbes magazine

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen

If Noah had been truly wise,
He would have swatted those two flies!
- Helen Castle

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
- Laurence J. Peter

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
- Roger C. Anderson

To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of whom are absent.
- Robert Copeland

I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.
- George Carlin

A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.

I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way.
- Jayson Feinburg

If caterpillars were meant to fly, God would have given them wings.

Decaffeinated coffee? Just Say No.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- Robert Benchley

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.
- David Letterman

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.

186,000 Miles per Second. It's not just a good idea. IT'S THE LAW.

I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my lifetime.
- Johnny Legend

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side.
- Han Solo

No man is an Ireland.
- Richard Daley, mayor of Chicago

I am your density.
- George McFly in Back to the Future

It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
to get adapted to my kind of fooling.
- R. Frost

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner

Man does not live by words alone, but he sometimes has to eat them.
- Adlai Stevenson

"Marriage" is not a word. It's a sentence!

Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.

To do is to be. - Nietzsche
To be is to do. - Sartre
Do be do be do. - Sinatra
Do be a do Bee. - Miss Nancy (Romper Room)

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Definition of an Expert:
An Ex is a has-been and a Spurt is a drip under pressure , so an expert is a has-been drip under pressure.

The best wings and margaritas in Tucson, Arizona can be found at Chuy's, a chain of Mexican dives. Their motto, "If our food and service does not meet up to your standards--lower your standards."

It's true that into each life some rain must fall.
It's just those sudden downpours we can do without!

God made man before he made woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
- Unknown

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

This life is a test; it is only a test.

If it were real life you would receive instructions on where to go and what to do.
- Anonymous

Serious newscaster on CNN: "President Clinton is well known for his ability to rise to the occasion."

Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
- Katharine Hepburn, on gossip and publicity

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

My grandmother's ninety. She's dating. He's ninety-three. They're very happy. They never fight. They never argue. They can't hear each other.
- Cathy Ladman

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
- Burt Bacharach

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
- Ambrose Bierce

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- Graffiti

In action, be primitive; in foresight, a strategist.
- Rene Char

The doctor: 'John, I have some good news and some bad news.' John: 'Give me the good news.' The doctor: 'They're going to name a disease after you.'

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner.
- Janice Trudeau

We're all entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
- Unknown

To err is human, but it is against company policy!

Did you know that when fish die they turn belly upward and rise to the surface. Its their way of falling.
- Andre Gide

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

Once you've seen your face on a bottle of salad dressing, it's hard to take yourself seriously.
- Paul Newman

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other!

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx

In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
- Mogens Jallberg

Senator George H. Moses complained to President Calvin Coolidge that a man being considered for a Republican senatorial nomination was an "out-and-out S.O.B." "That may be," agreed Coolidge, "but there's a lot of those in the country and I think they are entitled to representation in the Senate."

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
- Gelett Burgess

Prayer for Senility:
"God grant me the Senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference..."

One day, while shaving, Mark Twain cut himself. He recited his entire vocabulary of swear words. His wife, hoping to stun him, repeated all the swear words. Then, Twain turned and said, "You have the words, my dear, but you don't know the tune."

The trouble with a rat race is that even when you win, you’re still a rat.

USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
- David Letterman

Committee – a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allan

When the path ahead of you is uphill, surrounded by rough spots, hazards and obstacles: use a pitching wedge.
- Lee Bracken

He’s really an introvert, however occasionally he is a site-specific extrovert.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us!
- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.
- Barry Switzer

If Adam and Eve were alive today, they would probably sue the snake.
- Bern Williams

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask: 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice answers: 'This may take more than one night.'
- Charlie Brown

You know you’re getting old when all the names in your black book have M.D. after them.
- Harrison Ford

Message on tombstone:
Pause stranger,
As you pass me by.
As you are now,
So once was I.
As I am now,
Soon you shall be.
So prepare for death
And follow me.
Under the above, someone had added the following:
To follow you,
I’m not content
Until I know
Which way you went.

There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home.
- Mark Twain

"When You've Had a Bad Day"

It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay. Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits the newspaper.
- Jerry Seinfeld

PRAYER FOR SENILITY
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
- June Henderson

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- Dennis Fakes

We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic.
- Cullen Hightower

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize your not in shape for it, it's to far to walk back.
- Franklin P. Jones

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
- Doug Larson

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children, now I have six children and no theories.
- John Wilmot

Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with half a dozen lions - everyone but a school bus driver.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- Timothy Leary

"Is this yours? Your dog just left it on my lawn."

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you've got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
- Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

Your keyboard is not connected. Press F1 to continue.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

As Vincent Van Gogh said: "Eh?"

No matter where you go ... there you are.
- Buckeroo Banzi

My mother used to say there are no strangers, only friends you haven't yet met. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
- Dame Edna Everage

Middle age is where your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.
- E. Joseph Cossman

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation perfectly delightful.
- not sure where this quote came from, sounds like something from a Jane Austin novel

Understand it? Why this is so simple a 4 year old child could understand it. Quick, someone run out and get me a 4 year old child.
- Groucho Marx

As hard to get rid of as a BBQ stain on a new suit.

You don't have to worry about being bit if the dog doesn't have any teeth.

Looks like the upper hand is on the other foot.
- Leslie Nielsen ("Hotshots! Part Deaux")

To do is to be.
- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
- Sartre
Do be do be do.
- Sinatra

PRIORITIES: Overhead on a New York subway: "Be reasonable, Phyllis. I made this date with Rita months before we got married!"

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Dear Abby: My husband and I are slowly drifting apart. What can I do to speed up the process?

Have I reached the person to whom I am speaking?
- Lily Tomlin

I feel so bad since you've gone. It's almost like having you here.

The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts, Saturday Night Live

As unhappy as a termite in a steel mill.

HUMOROUS STORIES & LONGER QUOTES

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir .. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming n frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. When I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

Dear Redneck Son:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for twenty three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast!

In life, you can't just sit there! So said Larry, after being rescued by a helicopter at 11,000 feet over the Pacific Ocean. I always wanted to fly, he said as he explained how he had attached his lawn chair to 40 weather balloons filled with helium. Larry had expected to top out at 300 feet, however, he quickly found himself 2 miles up. His ascent took him through the Los Angeles airport approach flight path resulting in the rerouting of several approaching jets. When asked why he was carrying a gun, he explained that he had intended to shoot out some of the balloons so he could return to terra firma. Apparently, he ascended so quickly, he didn't have the presence of mind to use his gun. Larry is the proud recipient of the Darwin Award given to those whose actions seem to give credence to Darwin's theories about the origins of our species.

HAVING A BAD DAY? THINK AGAIN!
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife got some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day!!!

Symphony in F

Feeling footloose and frisky, a featherbrained fellow forced his father to fork over his farthings. Fast he flew to foreign fields and frittered his family's fortune, feasting fabulously with floozies and faithless friends. Flooded with flattery he financed a full-fledged fling of "funny foam" and fast food. Fleeced by his fellows in folly, facing famine, and feeling faintly fuzzy, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy foreign farmyard. Feeling frail and fairly famished, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"Fooey," he figured, "my father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, facing the facts. Finally, frustrated from failure and filled with foreboding (but following his feelings) he fled from the filthy foreign farmyard.
Faraway, the father focused on the fretful familiar form in the field and flew to him and fondly flung his forearms around the fatigued fugitive. Falling at his father's feet, the fugitive floundered forlornly, "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor."
Finally, the faithful Father, forbidding and forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.
Faithfully, the father's first-born was in a fertile field fixing fences while father and fugitive were feeling festive. The foreman felt fantastic as he flashed the fortunate news of a familiar family face that had forsaken fatal foolishness. Forty-four feet from the farmhouse the first-born found a farmhand fixing a fatling. Frowning and finding fault, he found father and fumed, "Floozies and
foam from frittered family funds and you fix a feast following the fugitive's folderol?" The first-born's fury flashed, but fussing was futile. The frugal first-born felt it was fitting to feel "favored" for his faithfulness and fidelity to family, father, and farm. In foolhardy fashion, he faulted the father for failing to furnish a fatling and feast for his friends.
His folly was not in feeling fit for feast and fatling for friends; rather his flaw was in his feeling about the fairness of the festival for the found fugitive. His fundamental fallacy was a fixation on favoritism, not forgiveness. Any focus on feeling "favored" will fester and friction will force the faded facade to fall. Frankly, the father felt the frigid first-born's frugality of forgiveness was formidable and frightful.
But the father's former faithful fortitude and fearless forbearance to forgive both fugitive and first-born flourishes. The farsighted father figured, "Such fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity for the fugitive that is found? Unfurl the flags and finery, let fun and frolic freely flow. Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken. Forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortune."
Four facets of the father's fathomless fondness for faltering fugitives are:
1) Forgiveness
2) Forever faithful friendship
3) Fadeless love, and
4) A facility for forgetting flaws

MY IMMORTAL SOUL AND I

I'm told to seek eternal life
For a soul that cannot die
I've wondered if I am that soul
Or, if that soul is I.
Now if that soul can never die,
And I a mortal be
The solution should be simple!
Why doesn't my soul save me?
If I die to save my soul
From Adam's willful sin
I've made a worthy sacrifice
But, where do I come in?
Now if all sins are of the soul
Then surely, He's to blame
But, if I'm burned at the stake to save him
He gets there just the same!
We go to church together,
My immortal soul and I.
We pray and ask the Lord to save
My soul that cannot die.
Paul tells me that this mortal
must put on immortality.
Now, if my soul cannot die,
Then surely, Paul means me!
How can I get eternal life
For a soul that cannot die?
If I'm not it, and it's not me,
Some preacher told a lie!!!

Don Shula tells the story of when he took his wife and five children away to a remote place to "get away from it all." He loves the fans, but they can be tiresome at times. While away, they decided to take in a movie at the only movie house in the nearby small town. When they entered the theater they noticed that all the lights were on. A small group sat down front, so Don and his family quietly slipped into the back row. Someone in the front turned around, said something to the rest of the group, and they all stood up and applauded. Don turned to his wife. "Boy, you just can't get away from them. I guess I'd better go say hello." "You must be real football fans to recognize me way in back," he said to the group after walking down front. "Recognize you? We don't know you from Adam. But the theater manager told us he wouldn't show the movie unless seven more people showed up and then you walked in!"

The following story is a good one for practicing "VISIONING" and "EMPATHY": Do you have days when everything seems to go wrong? Well, when you read what happened some years ago to a man in Barbados perhaps your problems will not seems so bad at all. His letter to his employers explained what happened when he went to repair a building damaged by a hurricane: "I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels full of bricks. When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over. I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom, and then went up and filled the barrel with extra bricks. Then I went to the bottom and cast off the line. Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground. I decided to hang on and halfway up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my finger jammed in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it burst its bottom; allowing all the bricks to spill out. I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed. Halfway down, I met the barrel coming up and received severe injuries to my shins. When I hit the ground I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I must have lost my presence of mind, because I let go the line. The barrel then came down giving me another heavy blow on the head and putting me in the hospital. I respectfully request sick leave."

HUMOROUS LISTS

KIDS ARE QUICK
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie.... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

LAWS OF TRUTH
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to urinate.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result -When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument -Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

ZEN OF SARCASM

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is probably not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

GRANDCHILDREN
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup,under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself."

My 3-year-old granddaughter and I were studying the world globe, and finding different points of interest. I pointed to the ocean and asked her what that was. She was hesitant to answer, so I said, "that's the ocean." Whereupon she said, "Very good!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grand mother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Yes," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child. "

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find the following hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school where the children were tested on their knowledge of the Old and New Testaments. The following statements by the children have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling and grammar has been left in.

In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the jews to the red sea ! Where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments

The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistels were the wives of the apostles

One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Take a few moments to ponder some of the wonderful MYSTERIES OF LIFE:

How can you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

If swimming is so good for your figure, why are whales so fat?

If you eat pasta and antipasto will you still be hungry?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If it s true that we’re here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If you are a complete pessimist, does it mean you are positively negative?

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

Is there such a thing as a closet claustrophobic?

Before the invention of drawing boards, what did people go back to?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

How can there be self-help groups?

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS [and there was no need for four-letter words]
These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.
- Moses Hadas

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- Abraham Lincoln

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.
- Winston Churchill, in response.

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
- Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
- Paul Keating

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
- Jack E. Leonard

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
- Robert Redford

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
- Thomas Brackett Reed

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- Forrest Tucker

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
- Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
- Billy Wilder

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx

MONTANA COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

Of course, we know that people in different parts of the country use different idioms.
Let's listen to some computer users in Montana:
Log on: Make the wood stove hotter
Log off: Don't add no more wood
Download: Getting the firewood off the truck
Floppy disk: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
Hard drive: Getting home in the winter
Prompt: What the mail ain't in the winter
Screen: What to shut in mosquito season
Byte: What the mosquito do
Bit: What the mosquito did
Mega Byte: What the BIG mosquitoes do
Chip: Munchies for TV
Micro Chip: What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
Modem: What you did to the hay fields
Dot matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Main frame: What holds the barn up
Cursor: Someone who swears
Search Engine: What you do when the car dies
Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen
Online: When you get the laundry hung out on the washline.
Offline: When the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Actual questions asked by lawyers in a courtroom:

How many times have you committed suicide?

Were you alone or by yourself?

How far apart were the cars when the collision occurred?

Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

These stairs that went down to the basement, did they go up, also?

Pun-tificating
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it was just an optical Aleutian.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A rubber band pistol was confisticated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
No matter how much you push the envelope, It's still stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Two hats werre hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done

Some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sear's hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Note on side of plastic storage containers:
Remove lid before use.

In the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration's booklet, Safety with Beef Cattle, 1976:
When floors are wet and slippery with manure, you can have a bad fall.

Directions on a mosquito repeller:
Replacing battery: Replace the old battery with a new one.

For those of you who question the reality of these directions, DelMonte once removed the directions it had on its cans of corn Which read: Open can, heat, serve. However, so many people complained about the missing directions they had to put them back on the can.

A QUESTIONABLE COMPANY
Can you imagine working for the following company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
- 7 have been arrested for fraud
- 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
- 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
- 3 have been arrested for assault
- 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
- 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
- In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
The company?
The United States Congress!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
- submitted by Janice Trudeau

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF OUR MODERN AGE

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, What's for dinner?
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ;-)
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House
By Robert Fulghum, from his book titled "Maybe, Maybe Not!"

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

BULLETIN: Seniors are the nations leading carriers of Aids
- Hearing Aids
- Band Aids
- Roll Aids
- Walking Aids
- Medical Aids
- Government Aids
- Most of all: Monetary Aids for their Kids

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
- Better to be safe than ..... punch a 5th grader
- Strike while the ..... bug is close
- It's always darkest before ..... Daylight SavingsTime
- Never underestimate the power of ..... termites
- You can lead a horse to water but ...... how?
- Don't bite the hand that ..... looks dirty
- No news is ..... impossible
- A miss is as good as a ..... Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new ..... math
- Love all, trust ..... me
- The pen is mightier than the ..... pigs
- An idle mind is ..... the best way to relax
- Where there's smoke there's ..... pollution
- Happy the bride who ..... gets all the presents
- A penny saved is ..... not much
- Two's company, three's ..... the Musketeers
- Don't put off till tomorrow what ..... you put on to go to bed
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ..... you have to blow your nose
- None are so blind as ..... Stevie Wonder
- Children should be seen and not ..... spanked or grounded
- If at first you don't succeed ..... get new batteries
- You get out of something what you ..... see pictured on the box
- When the blind leadeth the blind ..... get out of the way
- Better late than ..... pregnant

Oh to be a kid again. . . . .
- Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
- Mistakes were corrected by simply excla iming, "do over!"
- "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
- Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
- Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
- It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
- Being old referred to anyone over 20.
- The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
- It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
- It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
- Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
- Nobody was prettier than Mom.
- Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
- It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
- Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
- Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog" dare.
- Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
- No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
- "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
- Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
- The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
- War was a card game.
- Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
- Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
- Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
- Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
- Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.

WORDS TO LIVE BY (many from a female perspective):

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Adults are just kids who owe money.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I plead contemporary insanity.

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Now, here's some from a male perspective:

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. EVER. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Check your own oil! Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the heck they're saying anyway.)

It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

YOGI BERRA-ISMS

The future ain't what it used to be.

The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if it isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left.

Yogi Berra (during a 20 Questions game): Is he living? Teammate: Yes. Yogi: Is he living now?

That restaurant is so crowded nobody goes there anymore.

Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours.

It's like deja vu all over again.

If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them.

I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

If you don’t know where you’re going, you might not get there.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I really didn't say everything I said.

Picking up on this theme, Dale Berra, son of Yogi (and also a baseball manager) said, "The similarities between me and my father are different."

Steven Wright-isms (not all are attributed to Steven Wright)

Everywhere is in walking distance if you have the time.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then

it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

While sitting at a seafood restaurant at Sea World halfway through my fishburger I thought, Oh my God … I could be eating a slow learner!

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do ... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

The other day I was walking my dog around my building - on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I shopped.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Go ahead and take risks ... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

I think my friend George is weird, not because he wears false teeth ... but because he has braces on them.

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: Wish you were here.

You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip over? Well, that's how I feel all the time.

I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and the building started up. So I took it out for a drive. A cop pulled me over for speeding. He asked me where I live. I said, "Right here."

Quotes taken from actual employee performance evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, if only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

"Interesting" (some would say "Dumb") things people have said:

Could you get a little closer apart?
- Michael Curtiz, Hoolywood director, to two stars

When Philip Morris chairman Joseph Cullman was confronted with statistics showing that pregnant women who smoke have lower birth weight babies, he replied, "Some women would prefer having smaller babies."

"Half this game is 90 percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies baseball team Manager

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks basketball team

"If I did that, I'd be sticking my head in a moose."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Form letter sent to a person by my South Carolina Department of Social Services

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on but they also take them off."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the air force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The streets are safe in the city of Philadelphia; it's only the people that make them unsafe."
- Former Philadelphia PA Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
- Samuel Goldwyn

Caution included with hair dryer instructions - "Warning: never use while sleeping."

"We all get heavier as we get older because there is a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divak, Los Angeles Laker professional basketball player

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
- Pierre Pachet, a Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
- Western Union internal memo, 1876

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"Who am I and why am I here?" - Said (seriously) by Admiral Stockdale, Ross Perot's running-mate for Vice President at a press conference

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
- John Wayne

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion."
- Madonna

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Anti- smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?"
- Bill Gates, 1981

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"He was a man of great statue"
- Boston Mayor Thomas Menino on Former Mayor John Collins

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck"
- Boston Mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? - It’s all a matter of perspective!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken needed a change. When it comes to crossing a road even chickens are entitled to say "Yes I can!"

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road It's as plain and as simple as that.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ...... reboot.

BILL CLINTON: Now listen, I'm only going to say this one more time. I did NOT help that chicken cross the road. Of course, that depends on what the meaning of the word "cross" is.

AL GORE: There was less pollution on the other side of the road. By the way, did you know I invented the chicken?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one???

TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low. Reach Your Goals. Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

TRUE CONFESSIONS

My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every moment of it. My life needs editing.
- Mort Sahl

I wasn't driven to acting by an inner compulsion. I was running away from the sporting goods business.
- Paul Newman

I've never been a fan of personality-conflict burgers and identity-crisis omelets with patchouli oil. I function very well on a diet that consists of Chicken Catastrophe and Eggs Overwhelming and a tall, cool Janitor-in-a-Drum. I like to walk out of a restaurant with enough gas to open a Mobil station.
- Tom Waits

For some reason, mothers with nursing babies liked to sit down front near the piano. Maybe they thought that music was a nice, soothing accompaniment to breast feeding. Anyway, I used to have fun with them. In the middle of a quiet scene I'd suddenly whack the hell out of a chord, just to watch the nipples snap out of the babies' mouths.
- Harpo Marx

I can live for two months on a good compliment.
- Mark Twain

I can't stand light. I hate weather. My idea of heaven is moving from one smoke-filled room to another.
- Peter O'Toole

I think nudity on the stage is disgusting, shameful and unpatriotic. But if I were twenty-two with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive, religious experience.
- Shelley Winters

I'm at the point where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.
- Noel Coward

It's not the most intellectual job in the world, but I do have to know the letters.
- Vanna White

I have enough fruitcakes in my freezer to enlarge my patio.
- Erma Bombeck

I believe that mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn't wear fur coats those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born or to have lived for a year or two to have been turned into a fur coat? I don't know.
- Barbie Benton

Early in my career I was in my dressing room making up. Suddenly I turned around and there was this totally naked woman. `What's the matter, dahling,' Tallulah Bankhead said. `Haven't you ever seen a blonde before?'
- Donald Sutherland

If you start throwing hedgehogs under me I shall throw two porcupines under you.
- Nikita Krushchev

I was fired from my job at a Howard Johnson's when somebody asked me the ice cream flavor of the week and I said `Chicken.'
- Mike Nichols

I have always hated that damn James Bond. I'd like to kill him.
- Sean Connery

My acting range? Left eyebrow raised, right eyebrow raised.
- Roger Moore

I'll balance a dog biscuit on my nose if it causes enough people to tune us in.
- Ted Koppel

At the moment, we are subsumed in the vortex of criticality.
- Alexander Haig, then Secretary of State

Even if he were mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. Don't they deserve some representation on the court?
- Senator Roman Hruska (R-Neb.), defending Judge Harold Carswell, the first Nixon nominee for the Supreme Court, against charges that he was mediocre

It would be a good thing to take your bankbook to the fallout shelter with you.
- Federal Reserve System suggestion

I've lived under situations where every decent man declared war first and I've lived under situations where you don't declare war. We've been flexible enough to kill people without declaring war.
- Lewis B. Hershey, Lieutenant General and director of the Selective Service System, on the Vietnam War

I'm not a fighter. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen

They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for a pair of pliers

Get the thing straight once and for all. The policeman isn't there to create disorder. The policeman is there to preserve disorder.
- Richard Daley, mayor of Chicago

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
- Jerry Seinfeld

I want to hear it so quiet we can hear a mouse dropping.
- Gregory Ratoff

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
- Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

The U.S. Navy urgently needs modern musicians.
- Michael Dukakis, 1988 presidential candidate, during a campaign speech. He meant munitions.

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them five years.
- Samuel Goldwyn

The president is aware of what is going on. That's not to say that there is something going on.
- Ron Ziegler, press secretary to President Richard Nixon, on a rumor that allied forces were attacking across the Laotian border

I grew a beard for Nero, in 'Quo Vadis', but Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer thought it didn't look real, so I had to wear a false one.
- Peter Ustinov

I am a typed director. If I made 'Cinderella', the audience would immediately be looking for a body in the coach.
- Alfred Hitchcock

I don't do Shakespeare. I don't talk in that kind of broken English.
- Mr. T

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
- Spike Milligan

I actually enjoyed weapons training. I had the eyes to be good at firing the .303 rifle, but not the hands. Yet I relished being instructed on it. And the Bren was such a perfect machine that there was an avid competition to specialize. I never got to the stage of wanting to sleep with one, but I must admit that there were times when, as I eyed the Bren's sleek lines, I discovered in myself a strong urge to fiddle with its gas-escape regulator.
- Clive James

Lawrence [Welk] was not known as the hippest show around. But when nobody was home, I'd tune in.
- Gregory Hines

I go for tough, uncommunicative guys who ride motorcycles.
- Ally Sheedy

I completed the course work for the M.A. but did not finish my thesis because I found something better to do. I spent the entire spring semester writing stories for the true confessions magazines. After turning out footnoted reams on such pressing topics as the annexation of Schleswig-Holstein and the reign of Pippin the Short, I got five cents a word for I Committed Adultery in a Diabetic Coma and it felt great. I had thrown off the vague guilt of the welfare scholar and become a productive member of society at last.
- Florence King

I... go to McDonald's and Burger King on occasion. What else are you going to do when you're on the road and you have to dash in for some food? They are pretty good; they're clean, and you know what you're getting. I don't know why anyone would think I always dine on hummingbirds' tongues or something.
- Julia Child

I have only read one book in my life, and that is 'White Fang'. It's so frightfully good I've never bothered to read another.
- Nancy Mitford

I'm originally from Iowa. It took a long time for me to realize we were free to go.
- Jake Johannsen

Now that I'm older ... here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few...
9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 10. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
12. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
13. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
14. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

ACTUAL SIGNS:
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." posted by the Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.."

At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a laundromat:
"Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."

In a London department store:
"Bargain Basement Upstairs"

In an office:
"Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken."

In another office:
"After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."

On a church door:
"This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)"

Outside a second-hand shop:
"We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain."

Posted Warning:
"Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council."

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window:
"Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of."

In a health food shop window:
"Closed due to illness."

Spotted in a safari park:
"Elephants Please Stay In Your Car"

Seen posted at a conference:
"For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor."

Notice in a field:
"The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

Message on a leaflet:
"If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."

On a repair shop door:
"We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)"

Spotted on a public toilet:
"Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."

Only In America

- Sean Hunziker , as reported in October, 2002, "Innovative Times"
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to you faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
6. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counter
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in a package of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
11. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM Machines with Braille lettering.

ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS: (courtesy Scott Simmerman)
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal!
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

WHY? WHY? WHY?
Why is "brassiere" singular while "panties" are plural?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are their floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it when you transport something by car, its called a "ship-ment" but when you transport it by ship its called a "car-go"?
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why are they called apart-ments when they are stuck together?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of the same substance as the indestructible black box?
Why isn't phonetics spelled the way it sounds?
AND THINK ABOUT THESE:
Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
How does the guy that drives the snowplow get to work?
What would Geronimo shout if he jumped out of a plane?

DAFFY DEFINITIONS: (Generated by a medical student)
Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Rear entrance to a Cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when their patients die
Cauterize: Make visual contact with a female
Dilate: To live a long life
Genetal: Not Jewish
Kidney: Part of a child's leg
Mammogram: Telegram sent to Yo Mamma
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Pap Smear: Fatherhood test
Recovery room: An upholstery shot
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: Comes after one more
Urine: Opposite of "You're Out"
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited

It all depends on your PERSPECTIVE:
Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must Be Female:
5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half you paycheck on accessories for it.
Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male:
5. They've heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in their machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

HOW TO ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
3. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
4. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
5. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
6. Honk and wave to strangers.
7. Walk into a restaurant, eat their complimentary mints by the cash register, then walk out.
8. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
9. type only in lowercase.
10. dont use any punctuation either
11. Buy large quantities of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
12. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" ("What") "Never mind, it's gone now."
13. Ask people what gender they are.
14. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Sing along at the opera.
16. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
17. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
18. In the memo field of your checks, write "for sensual massage."
19. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
20. Publically investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

SPEECH GOOFS

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
- Dan Quayle

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
- Gerald R. Ford

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
- Dan Quayle

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
- Dan Quayle

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies Manager

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us.
- Lauren Upton, Miss Teen USA contestant, giving a response to a question about why one-fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map

John 16:3
Al Gore gave a big speech last week about how his faith is so "important" to him. In this attempt to convince the American people that we should consider him for president, he announced that his favorite Bible verse is John 16:3. Of course the speech writer meant John 3:16 but nobody in the Gore camp was familiar enough with the Scriptures to catch the error. Do you know what John 16:3 says? "And they will do such things because they have not known the Father or me."

"I believe that this country's policies should be heavily biased in favor of nondiscrimination."
- President Bill Clinton

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
- Vice President Dan Quayle

"A zebra does not change its spots."
- Al Gore (attacking President Bush in 1992)

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
- Vice President Dan Quayle

"But let me--I better switch over here for some more--and may I--a question--and I don't mean to offend with regard to follow-up--and I understand why you had them, but we've been reduced to the number of questions we get to ask when everybody has a follow-up. So ask them both at once."
- President Ronald Reagan during a 1984 press conference

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"A zebra does not change its spots."
- Vice President Al Gore (attacking President George H. Bush in 1992)

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
- former French President Charles de Gaulle

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
- former U.S. vice- president Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- former U.S. vice- president Dan Quayle

"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder"
- former Chicago Mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"If you've seen one redwood tree, you've seen them all"
- Forestry Expert Ronald Reagan (and former US President)

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people"
- former U.S. vice- president Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- former U.S. vice-president Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
- General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- former U.S. vice- president Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"It's a question of whether we're going to go forward into the future, or past to the back."
- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

"This is a great day for France!"
- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
- George W. Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."
- George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."
- Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."
- Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is."
- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland."
- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me."
- George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."
- Ronald Reagan

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
- Dan Quayle

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."
- Ronald Reagan

Walter Mondale: "George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize."
Bush: "Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time."

"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that."
- Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."
- Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!"
- Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?"
- announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

"They X-Rayed my head and found nothing."
- Jerome "Dizzy" Dean

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- Dan Quayle

JOKES

Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico ".

Lord Nelson was standing on the deck of his flagship, the H.M.S. Victory. A French cannonball whizzed by his left ear. "I say," he said to his adjutant "You had better bring me my red jacket. In case I am hit I don't want a drop of my bright British blood to show." A moment later, a French cannonball whizzed by his right ear. "I say," he called out to his adjutant "You'd better bring me my brown pants also!"

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How does it work?" the friend asked. "Watch!" the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM in the morning!"

A wealthy young man went out and bought a 1999 Maserati. It was the best and most expensive car available, costing several hundred thousand dollars. He took it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulled up next to him. The old man looked over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asked, "So, what d'ya have here, sonny?" The young man replied, "A 1999 Maserati a few hundred thousand..." "That's sure a bunch of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" The proud owner responded "Because this car can do up to 325 miles an hour!" The moped driver asked, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replied the owner. So the old man poked his head in the window and looked around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man said, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changed so the young man decided to show the old guy what his car could do. He floored it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 325 mph. Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed down to see what it could be and suddenly, something whipped by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Maserati?" the young man asked himself. Then, ahead of him, he saw a dot coming toward him. zzzchoooommmm! It went by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked strangely like the old guy on the moped! "No way! Couldn't be," thought the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Maserati?" Again, he saw a dot in his rear view mirror! closer, closer, and then suddenly the sound of a loud impact as it plowed into the rear end of his car. The young man jumped out, to see what it was, and it WAS the old guy! Of course, the moped and the old man were in really bad shape. He ran up to the ailing old man and said, "Pops, you're badly hurt! What can I do for you?" The old man moaned and said slowly as the young man bent over to listen, "Please.....go to your side view mirror and unhook my suspenders!"

A pregnant woman who had been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident gave birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them. "Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names." "Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother Henry is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?" "He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician. "Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully: "Denephew."

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z." The voice on the other line said "Would you hold the line please, we usually don’t give out that kind of information." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?" She said: "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302." "Well," he said "We don’t usually give out this information, but, Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg -- Finkel. Oh yes, here she is. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock." The woman said "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news." The guy on the other end says: "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family." She said "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel!! My doctor don't tell me nothing."

Three sons of a Yiddish Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Torah. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Torah. It took the greatest rabbis 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas.
But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But this time he requested to look around the store before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
Oscar panicked, "Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" The bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hitch-hiking hippie. Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment and the passenger cabin was boiling with smoke.
The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the cabin. 'Gentlemen,' he began, 'I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!' With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. 'Gentlemen,' he said, 'I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!' With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through the door out into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, 'Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute too.' He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. 'My son,' he said, 'I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.'
The hippie smiled slowly and said, 'Hey, don't worry Pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack!'

A recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, once he was able to speak again.
"Oh great!", the beginner replied, "NOW you tell me!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they have set up their tent, and are fast asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes his companion, "Kemo Sabi" he says, "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Lone Ranger replies, "Well, it's a very clear night and I must see millions of stars!" "What does that tell you?" asks Tonto. Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then replies "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of stars and planets out there. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three give or take 15 seconds. Theologically, it's evident that God is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant like dust on the scales of time. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow as we are still centered below a high-pressure system. What it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then speaks through clenched teeth: "Lone Ranger, you big Dummy, someone has stolen our tent!"

An old Arizona farmer drove his team of mules to town and was late returning.
"What took you so long?" asked his wife.
"Well on the way back," the farmer explained, "I had to pick up the priest and, from there on, them mules didn't understand a thing I said."
- Herm Albright, April, 2004 issue of Arizona Highways

NEVER LIE!
Husband to wife, walking in the door very early one morning: "Honey, I know you won't believe this but when I go home last night I noticed all the lights were out, and so, not wanting to disturb you, I slept out in the hammock in the back yard."
Wife: "You're right I don't believe you. I took down that hammock and stored it away last fall!"

Four men were traveling together on a train in Europe. One was from Russia, one from Cuba and two were from America. Three of them were businessmen and one of the remaining Americans was a lawyer. They got to talking. The Russian pulled out a bottle of vodka - they all took a drink, then the Russian threw rest of bottle out the window. When the American businessman asked why, the Russian replied "Oh, we have so much vodka in Russia - we'll never drink it all!" Then the Cuban took out a tin of Havana cigars - he gave everybody one, then he threw the rest out the window. When asked why, he replied "Oh, we have so much tobacco in Cuba, we'll never smoke it all!" Well, the American businessman, not to be outdone, thought for a moment, and then ended up pushing the American lawyer out the window!

A man at a pay booth in a restaurant was overheard by the restaurant manager making a call. "Hello, Mr. Smith?" he was heard to say. "I understand you have been looking for an assistant." He paused to listen to the response. "Oh, you hired one two months ago and are pleased with your choice? Well, thank you anyway. I hope you continue to be satisfied with your decision." When he hung up the phone, the restaurant manager commented, "I happened to overhear your conversation. I'm sorry you didn't get a shot at that job." "Oh, that's all right," the man replied, "That was my boss. I was hired as his assistant three months ago and I was just phoning to find out how I'm doing!"

QUOTES ON THE SUBJECT OF HUMOR

A little comic relief in a discussion does no harm, however serious the topic may be. In my own experience the funniest things have occurred in the gravest and most sincere conversations. - C.S. Lewis

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
- Peter da Silva

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
- Mark Twain

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
- e e cummings

There are three kinds of bones everyone should have: a funny bone, a backbone and a wishbone.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- Robert Benchley

Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.
- Bill Nye

Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
- E. B. White

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
- W.H. Auden

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
- Aristotle

A good sense of humor is essential to deal with the world’s reality.

A child laughs 400 times a day on the average, while an adult laughs only 15 times each day.

Laughter should be thought of as "inner jogging."
- Norman Cousins

Laughter: it's good medicine, it's completely organic, it can be shared, it is recyclable and absolutely free!

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Laughter liberates. It liberates from the fear of the sacred, of the past, of power. Laughter shows the world anew.
- Bakhtin

Comedy is just a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov

He who laughs, lasts.

We all operate in two contrasting modes, which might be called open and closed. The open mode is more relaxed, more receptive, more exploratory, more democratic, more playful and more humorous. The closed mode is the tighter, more rigid, more hierarchical, more tunnel-visioned. Most people, unfortunately spend most of their time in the closed mode. Not that the closed mode cannot be helpful. If you are leaping a ravine, the moment of takeoff is a bad time for considering alternative strategies. When you charge the enemy machine-gun post, don't waste energy trying to see the funny side of it. Do it in the "closed" mode. But the moment the action is over, try to return to the "open" mode - to open your mind again to all the feedback from our action that enables us to tell whether the action has been successful, or whether further action is need to improve on what we have done. In other words, we must return to the open mode, because in that mode we are the most aware, most receptive, most creative, and therefore at our most intelligent.
- John Cleese

A sense of humor can help you to:
- overlook the unattractive tolerate the unpleasant
- cope with the unexpected
- smile through the unbearable

There is a big difference between having a sense of humor and being a wise-cracking "smart ass" to wit:

HUMOR: WIT:

creates relaxation creates tension

produces togetherness and playfulness division and distance

generates charm, benevolence and magnanimity defiance, malevolence and contempt

disarms the mind alerts it

seeks intimacy longs for indiscretion

brings about humility insolence

gives rise to tolerance to impatience and impertinence

leads to kindness often offends

End of Quotes on "Humor"

12/10/2008

Return to main page for: "Bright Quotes"

HUMOR:	WIT:
creates relaxation	creates tension
produces togetherness and playfulness	division and distance
generates charm, benevolence and magnanimity	defiance, malevolence and contempt
disarms the mind	alerts it
seeks intimacy	longs for indiscretion
brings about humility	insolence
gives rise to tolerance	to impatience and impertinence
leads to kindness	often offends